Book Review: Why Does He Do That? (2003)

Why Does He Do That? is a self-help book written by Lundy Bancroft, directed at women living in abusive relationships. The nationwide bestseller was initially published in 2003 by the Penguin Publishing Group. By offering unique insight into how abusive men think, act, and where their abusive behaviour stems from, the authors offers an unparalleled view inside the minds of abusive and controlling men.

Lundy Bancroft has over thirty years of experience, specialising in interventions for abusive men and their families, with a special focus on child custody justice. To date, he has authored six non-fiction books, and published his first novel in 2021. Bancroft frequently appears as a Keynote speaker at events on the topic of abuse or as a guest in podcasts where he shares his extensive practical knowledge.

DISCLAIMER: ⊕ Lundy Bancroft founded the Organisation Nature’s Temple which advocated beliefs that rais many red flags: archive.org. Years later, in conjunction with his questionable new book The joyous recovery, he launched a spiritual group called Peak Living Network (PLN), which continues the teachings from the organisation Re-evaluation Counseling (RC) of which he was also part of. RC, in turn, was founded by people with ties to Scientology. I would advise caution to anyone thinking about getting involved with any of these organisations or concepts. In recent years, multiple women have come forth and made accusations of abuse against Lundy Bancroft, the author of this book. Additionally, he was, and still is, involved in cult-like spiritual organisations.
Despite the allegations made I still think this particular book offers valuable insight on abuse and is worth reading. It also stays clear of Bancroft's newer and problematic ideas of co-counseling and trauma-healing and focuses solely on abuse.

The main hypothesis proposed in this book is that men's abusive behaviour stems from entitlement and and a belief of superiority over women, and that they adopted these beliefs from their family and community when growing up. This entitlement justifies men in expecting certain privileges and advantages over women. We know a lot of the privileges men enjoy from the traditional male and female role models. Traditionally, men don't have to clean or cook at home, nor do they have to deal with child rearing. They are mostly free to do what they want, go out when and with whom they choose, and get to have the last word on a lot of big decision. They can choose their own career and how to spend their free time. Additionally men enjoy a higher credibility and their abilities are trusted more. The author suggests that a lot of the abusive behaviour is directed towards the goal of securing these privileges and maintaining this power imbalance between men and women. If a man stands to loose his privileges, abuse is a possible way to restore this power imbalance. Constantly undermining a woman's self-esteem, limiting who she can associate with and thereby cutting her off from her support network, making sure she has no control over money and property, are all strategies to disempower her and make sure she depends on her man. Keeping her dependant like this makes it a lot harder for her to stand up for herself and leave the relationship. Besides explaining the strategies and behaviours employed by abusive men and illustrating them with plentiful examples, the book also offers assistance on how to leave an abusive relationship safely, how to navigate the (US) legal system, and advice on what friends and family of both the victim and the abuser can do to help.

Even though Lundy Bancroft calls himself a counsellor and talks a lot about his experiences in counselling, he is not a licensed counsellor. He has no formal training in relevant fields like social work, psychology, medicine, law or trauma-informed therapy. Additionally, in the book, he frequently uses statements like "A recent study found that (...)" or "researchers have found that (...)" without citing sources for these claims. The book should therefore be read as representing Bancroft's personal views and experiences working with abusers in intervention programs and not as a work based on scientific consensus.

Personal Opinion

I personally think this book offers valuable insight into the lesser known ways abuse is present in many relationships. I also find it intriguing because its core message ties in nicely with some of the feminist literature I have read so far. The unfair advantage men take over women in terms of physical and emotional labour is impressively documented in the book Die Erschöpfung der Frauen and the book Invisible Women details many of the small things men get to enjoy on the cost of women's wellbeing. That abuse might be a tool for maintaining these privileges is a theory I find very interesting.

Who Should Read This Book?

I would recommend this book to any women who lives in an abusive relationship and wants to use it as a tool to reevaluate her partnership. The book can also shed some light on behaviour that one might not immediately recognise as problematic or abusive. It helped me to question some of my own behaviour and made me realise that I too act in ways that are abusive. Because of this I think men who are interested in becoming better partners can from it too.

Key Points and Concepts

These are the key points I isolated from the book. I have written a small summary for each concept below. The book also goes into the details of how to safely leave an abusive relationship and how to navigate the legal system, which I did not consider as key points.

• Abuse Is Caused by Misguided Values and Beliefs
• Abusers Need to Maintain Influence and Control
• Physical Abuse Is Not the Only Kind of Abuse
• The Problem Is Not His Feelings
• Change Is Hard and Rare
• Lasting Change on a Societal Level

Abuse Is Caused by Misguided Values and Beliefs

The main hypothesis of the book is that abuse is mainly caused by a sense of superiority and entitlement. Abusive men see themselves as superior to their female partners. They are convinced that their partner specifically, or women in general, are inferior to men. Abusers see their partners as less intelligent, emotionally unstable, and therefore in need of guidance, oversight, and control. For him "taking care" of her, she should be grateful and do his bidding. The behaviour that originates from these beliefs are inherently abusive because these beliefs prohibit the treatment of the other person as an equal. Or to quote the book: "Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.". Since values and beliefs are learned, Bancroft then proposes, that abusers are not inherently bad people or even sadists, but that they do become strongly attached to the privileges which they gain from the difference in power and that they will do almost anything, including escalating the abusive behaviour, to maintain their privileged position.

To strengthen his hypothesis Bancroft refutes common held myths about the origin of abuse and the behaviour of abusers.

He claims that the large majority of abusers is not psychologically ill. If that were the case, then the abusive behaviour would also indiscriminately show up at work, with other family members or during random encounters with strangers. This however, claims Bancroft, is usually not the case. The abuse is mostly contained to the couples relationship.

That abusers lose control is another commonly held myth that he rebukes by giving examples of how physical abusers are very careful where to punch their victims as not to leave any visible traces of abuse, or by not escalating the violence above what they themself consider justified. They go as far as ti call out other abusers for doing things they themselfes consider as going to far. Another observation he makes is that abusers usually don't trash their own stuff but only the possessions of their partners during "uncontrollable" fits of rage. Implying they are not truly out of control. In addition, most abusers can return to a completely calm and collected demeanour once neighbours or the police show up at the door. This would not be the case if they were truly out of control. Furthermore there are a lot of abusive behaviours like tracking a partners whereabouts, going trough their phone or limiting access to money, that are calculated and meticulously executed. Which makes them the opposite of uncontrolled.

Then Bancroft further dismisses claims that alcohol or drugs are to blame for abusive behaviour because, in his experience as a counsellor, the abuse usually did not subside once the substance abuse was under control. Also a lot of people are abusing substances without becoming abusive.

Based on this, Bancroft states that the core causes of abuse are misguided values and beliefs and that, contrary to popular belief, abusers are well aware of that fact and are actually quite calculated in their behaviour.

Abusers Need to Maintain Influence and Control

An abusers ultimate goal is to maintain his privileged position. He has a higher chance of achieving this, if he keeps his partner in a weakened and dependant position. He therefore has to make sure, that she will not rise up and challenge his authority or that she pays a hefty price if she ever dares to. Anything that strengthens her position and could potentially threaten his superiority must be prevented.

Her maintaining friendships or relationships with family and friends who are critical of the abuser are problematic. Her making career advancements, gaining further education, having an independent income or owning property may make her more independent and are therefore a threat to his control. Being on her own, spending time away from him and having space to reflect on their relationship, might give her a chance to become aware of the situation she is in.

To prevent that from happening, the abuser needs to keep her close and shield her from outside influence. He needs to make sure has no space or time to think independently and must sabotage any possible support network she might try to build. He has to become the main voice of reason in her life.

Physical Abuse Is Not the Only Kind of Abuse

There are a myriad of different strategies how an abuser might achieve his goal of staying in power. Every abuser uses an unique blend of behaviours and strategies, tailored to his own situation, lifestyle and focused on the areas of life that he deems important. Some abusers are more physical. Screaming, threatening her or even assaulting her physically or sexually. Others never lay a hand on her, are calm and calculated and focus on getting in her head. By undermining her self-worth he sends her on an emotional rollercoaster and then gaslights her about her own experiences which leaves her in a permanent state of worry and confusion. Psychological abuse is just as traumatising as physical abuse, but might be a lot harder to fight, because there are less obvious external signs. The following converstion and the accompaning explanations are a direct excerpt from the book and are good example for such psychological abuse:

Jesse and Bea are walking along in their town. Jesse is sullen and clearly annoyed. ⊕ Jesse uses an array of conversational control tactics, as most abusers do:

BEA: What’s going on with you? I don’t understand what you’re upset about.

JESSE: I’m not upset; I just don’t feel like talking right now. Why do you always have to read something into it? Can’t I just be a little quiet sometimes? Not everybody likes to talk, talk, talk all the time just because you do. ⊕ He denies being angry, although he obviously is, and instead of dealing with what is bothering him, he channels his energy into criticizing Bea about something else.

JESSE: I just finished telling you, nothing’s bothering me . . . and give me a break that you don’t talk all the time. When we were having dinner with my brother and his wife, I couldn’t believe how you went on and on about your stupid journalism class. You’re forty years old, for Christ sake; the world isn’t excited about your fantasies of being famous. Grow up a little.

BEA: I don’t talk, talk, talk all the time. What do you mean by that? I just want to know what’s bothering you.

BEA: Fantasies of being famous? I’m trying to get a job, Jesse, because the travel agency jobs have all moved downtown. And I wasn’t going on about it. They were interested; they were asking me a lot of questions about it—that’s why we were on that subject for a while. ⊕ He insults, belittles, and patronizes Bea in multiple ways, including saying that she likes to talk all the time and has fantasies of becoming famous, stating that she should “grow up,” and telling her that she accuses him of stewing over things when it’s actually her.

JESSE: Oh, yeah, they were real interested. They were being polite to you because you’re so full of yourself. You’re so naive you can’t even tell when you’re being patronized. ⊕ He tells her that she is unaware that other people look down on her and don’t take her seriously and calls her naive.

BEA: I don’t believe this. That dinner was almost two weeks ago. Have you been brewing about it all this time?

JESSE: I don’t brew, Bea, you’re the one that brews. You love to get us confused. I’ll see you later. I’m really not in the mood for this shit.

BEA: In the mood for what shit?? I haven’t done anything! You’ve had it in for me since I arrived to meet you!

JESSE: You’re yelling at me, Bea. You know I hate being yelled at. You need to get help; your emotions just fly off the handle. I’ll see you later. ⊕ He criticizes her for raising her voice in response to his stream of insults and he tells her that she is mistreating him.

BEA: Where are you going?

JESSE: I’ll walk home, thank you. You can take the car. I’d rather be alone.

BEA: It’s going to take you more than a half hour to walk home, and it’s freezing today. ⊕ He stomps off and plays the victim by putting himself in the position of having to take a long, cold walk home.

JESSE: Oh, now suddenly you care about me so much. Up yours. Bye. (Walks off.)

Going back to the misguided values and beliefs, we can look at how they are connected to Jesse's behaviour in the following excerpt from the book:

The story began two weeks earlier, when Jesse and Bea were out to dinner with Jesse’s relatives. What we have just learned from their argument is that Jesse does not like Bea to be the center of attention for any length of time. Why not? There are a few reasons:

1. He considers it her job to play a supporting role to him. This is the same as the attitude that “behind every great man stands a woman.” So if either of them is going to be the center of attention, it should be him, and if he is feeling like being quiet she should be, too, remaining in his shadow.
2. He is constantly focused on her faults, so he assumes everyone else is, too.
3. He doesn’t like having her appear in public as smart, capable, and interesting, because that collides with his deeply held belief that she is irrational, incompetent, and worthy of being ignored—a view of her that he may want others to share with him.
4. He is afraid on some level that if she gets enough support for her strengths, she will leave him—and he’s quite likely right.

The lives of abused women are full of these kinds of exchanges. Jesse didn’t call Bea any degrading names; he didn’t yell; he didn’t hit her or threaten her. Bea will be in a tough spot when the time comes to explain to a friend how upset she is, because Jesse’s behavior is hard to describe. What can she say? That he’s sarcastic? That he holds on to things? That he’s overly critical? A friend would respond: “Well, that sounds hard, but I wouldn’t call it abuse.” Yet, as Jesse walks away, Bea feels as if she has been slapped in the face.

The Problem Is Not His Feelings

Lundy Bancroft spends some time explaining why some common therapies will probably not help in changing an abusers behaviour. His main claim is, that any therapy or intervention that focuses on the abuser will only feed his ego and give him more options to play the victim.

An abuser attending traditional psychological therapy might even have negative consequences for the victim. Because the therapist usually doesn't contact the victim to hear her side of the story, the abuser is free to paint himself as the victim and gets his beliefs regarding his partner validated. An abuser skilled in manipulation will warp the story and use the therapists verdict against his partner. "My therapist said that my anger is a natural reaction to you being unreasonable and difficult. She thinks you should get therapy yourself for your abusive behaviour against me".

Bancroft is also highly critical of attending couples therapy with an abuser. His reasoning is that, in this setting, blame is usually thought to be mutual. When the therapist is telling the women that she needs to do "her part" and needs to "stop pushing his buttons", she is made responsible for part of the abuse she receives. This sends her a dangerous messages and validates the abuser in his belief that the abuse is actually justified.

Anger management therapy is brought up as another tool that is unfit for the job. In Bancroft's experience, abusers don't have a problem getting in tune with, and talking about their own feelings. They actually focus to much of their attention on their own feelings, prioritising their own wellbeing over that of their partners. They don't need to learn how to talk about their own feelings but how to make space for the feeling of their partners. Abusers need to learn how to listen to their partners and actually take them seriously. In Bancorfts opinion, none of the methods above actually achieve this.

Change Is Hard and Rare

According to Bancroft's personal experience, change in abusers is a long and difficult process that is rarely successful. Voluntarily giving up all the privileges he has enjoyed so far and coming to terms with the hurt he has caused is very painful. There is no short term solution, but only a permanent change of his beliefs and values.

In Bancroft's experience this is best achieved by specialised intervention programs. The attendance to which is seldom voluntary but motivated by strong external forces like a women leaving her partner or a court mandate as part of probation.

A good abuser program sets its focus on how the abuser thinks, and not on how he feels. It challenges his views and forces him to take responsibility for his actions. A good program also makes talking to the victim and listent to her side of the story a priority. Listening her is paramount to understanding the methods of abuse he uses, as well as to assess the abusers progress in the program.

How to Tell If He Really Changes?

The following list is taken directly from the book and enumerates what an abuser needs to do, if he really wants to change. The points specifically address the underlying problems regarding entitlement and beliefs.

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused.
2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally.
3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.
4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those.
5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitude.
6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping.
7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view.
8. Make amends for the damage he has done.
9. Accept the consequences of his actions.
10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment.
11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so.
12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process.
13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future.

These questions can act as a guidline to asses his change. But in the end, the most important indicator of change is still the victim herself. She should ask herself: "Do I actually feel freer and safer now?".

According to Bancroft, an abuser will always be fighting against his inner voice that keeps reminding him of how much he stands to loose if he starts treating his partner as an equal. All the privileges he enjoys, all the small and big benefits he gets from abusing his partner, that inner voice does not want him to give that up. It might be almost unbearable for him to exist as equals, without holding any power over her. So the abuser might start to look for easy ways out. He might only stop the behaviours he deems expendable but continues to stick to his core beliefs. He might look for "non abusive ways" to control her or start to attach conditions like "I will stop screaming at you during fights if you stop seeing your friend" to his change . All of these are just new ways of continuing the old abuse. In the end, an abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain non-abusive.

Lasting Change on a Societal Level

Like mentioned above, Bancroft claims that teaching men about anger management or conflict resolution does not really address the core of the problem. Our aim should instead be to change societal values. Women should have the right to live a life free from insults, fear, invasion, control, disempowerment and intimidation. Sadly this is still a controversial topic, even today.

The book finishes with the claim that anger and conflicts are normal aspects of life. Abuse does not stem from the inability to resolve conflicts, but from the choice to claim a superior status over someone else. Teaching equality, respect and the value of human life, sets the foundation for lasting change.

This should be paired with a society that actually punishes abuse and does not look the other way when it happens. In such a society abusers would be excluded from their church or sports club. Friends and family members would speak out against the abuse and hold the abuser accountable while giving their unconditional support to the victim. Abusers would actually get punished in a court of law for what they did.

In a world like that, where an abuser is met with harsh opposition wherever he goes, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to be abusive.

References